The Meaning
“The Subconscious” is the largest unstretched oil painting (4′ by 8′) I have done to this day.
I was motivated to do this piece because of my interest in Applied Human Science which I learned a lot about while studying Human Development and Family Studies at Colorado State University. During this time, I also attended many individual counseling sessions, groups, and seminars to try to expand my understanding of my own issues and of those around me as well.
I was inspired to do this piece by Urie Bronfenbrenner who was a developmental psychologist who developed the Ecological systems theory and was central to my degree program. Other developmental psychologists like Erik Erikson also had a very profound impact on me to create this piece.
“Mindstorm, Body and Spirit” was done soon after I finished this piece and was very closely related to it, but not a sequel.
This gigantic piece of art is an illustration of the neurons inside my mind with my memories and identity self-encapsulated in them. There are bolts of electrical current firing from one neuron to another across the synaptic gaps with dendrite arms attached to the end of them.
Breaking Free
In front, near the upper center of the paining, you will see the largest neuron with an eagle breaking free from a ball and chain, symbolically expressing my desire to want to break free from my past broken relationships and identity issues that went along with them. The ball has a skull on it representing the death of my soul I had experienced from childhood on into adulthood.
Childhood Oppression
Above and to the left of the eagle, inside of a yellow neuron, is my child wearing a striped prison uniform with a green face that expresses how sick I feel, being trapped inside my past childhood issues have haunted me for too long.
Rolling the Dice
In a smaller blue neuron to the right of the child is a skeleton with a top hat, a magic wand in one hand and dice in the other. This insinuates all the bad choices I made out in the world, being mesmerized by it at times and taking chances (rolling the dice) with many different people and things which lead me back around to the same deadly childhood identity issues that I started with.
A Warning
To the upper middle of the canvas, is a warning siren (in red with a yellow neuron in the background) going off to warn me that I was going down a dangerous path that would not end well. It symbolizes an unknown conscience inside of me that would warn me to stay away from certain dangerous people and activities I was engaged with during my life. As a child, adolescent, and young adult, I often wondered where this came from because it certainly did not come from my relationship with my parents or relatives.
True Meaning and Purpose?
In the upper left is a ringing broken clock which indicates my distressed thoughts about the short time I have on this earth. Understanding that I had already wasted a quarter of it, time was running out on me to figure out my true meaning and purpose. And the ultimate question I would continue to ask myself was, “Does true meaning and purpose even exist on this earth?”
Deliverance
Down to the bottom left, inside a blue neuron, there is an angel pushing a skull through my heart, encouraging me to seek and find God’s deliverance after experiencing death inside my soul when I’m still roaming on this wild earth.
Issues
On the far right there is a monkey hanging from a branch, showing his teeth, and screeching inside my mind with three more monkeys behind him. This was how I perceived my family and our issues because we were like a bunch of monkeys in a cage of personal and family issues from which we couldn’t get out. Also, this expressed my father’s dominance over me and my sister, much like an alpha male monkey or guerilla would do when leading their tribe.
Praying for Family
Above and to the right of the pack of monkeys, is a ghostly figure representing Father God praying that our family might see the dark reality of how we are relating to one another.
Illuminate Dark Hearts
Below and to the left of the pack of monkeys, the praying Father sends an angel of light with a lantern to illuminate our darkened hearts with the reality of His compassion and love for us.
Doubt
In the bottom right corner, there is a depressed-looking face in one of the small red neurons, showing my doubt about my family ever getting out of such a dark, sick, and horrible place we have been in our whole lives.
The Process
As I worked on this painting, at times it really scared the hell out of me, and I often thought I was crazy for even attempting it in the first place. I remember being “triggered” by this piece quite a lot and it took time in between painting sessions to recover from expressing my psychological and emotional trauma behind it.
I chose colors that attempted to distinguish what state of being I was in while going through these identity issues in my life. For example, I had remembered blue was the color psychological researchers would find inside the mind of a depressed state of being. The yellow color neurons were to denote an alarmed or traumatic state of being. The red color neurons were to indicate the more realistic, healthy state of being.