Between Heaven & Hell(2025)

Strange how I get “trigged” and then remember pieces that I did over thirteen years ago like this one called “Angels & Demons.” It seems I need my visual art illustrations at times to help give a greater perspective on my life of on-going recovery. I’m not speaking about drug and alcohol abuse (which I struggled with for years), but recovery from past broken relationships. My illustrations have become timeless visions which help me understand personal issues that are still buried deep inside my heart & soul.

Today, I saw myself like an adult-child stuck between heaven and hell. I say this because as much as I want to be free from being damaged from past relationships gone bad, I realized that I am still effected by them and past wounds still remain.

To be more specific, trauma I suffered through as an infant and young child still effects me today and how I relate to others around me. I never want to deal with trauma when it manifests to the ugly outward expression of my personality, but unfortunately it does. Just not as much as it used to and not as intense.

From my many experiences, trauma can always be traced back to relationship(s), the first ones being with my parents. It may seem wrong to hate them but I’ve always hated their relationship with one another and how they projected it onto me. There was nothing to love about neither one of them because when it came down to it, they resented and hated one another and they decided to vent that daily upon me before I could ever understand what resentment & hatred truly meant.

Not trying to gain sympathy for myself or from anyone else, but I do believe I need to confront and then understand the reality of what is truly it going on inside of me. I believe these deep seated issues will destroy me and then come out on the people around me and taint my relationship with them just like my parents issues did to me!

My parents never wanted to take any accountability for their personal issues and eventually my relationship with them broke down to the point of no return. I went back to them much later as an adult and tried to talk about the issues which I had developed through them since childhood. Unfortunately, they refused to take accountability with one another or with me and I could no longer speak with them at all. They wanted to continue to relate to me the way they always did, which was horribly demeaning and abusive, so I had no choice but to let them go.

There is hope in letting of go of the toxic relationships with my parents, along with many others, but I believe I must continue to confront and deal with my issues from the past if I want to be free from them. Oh, yeah and look for help and guidance from above like in the painting.

Peace